The definitions of an advertisement and what they REALLY mean.

Quaint ( small, you can barely breathe in the place)

Scenic views ( anything other than a view of the dumpster is considered a scenic view)

Heat and Hot water included ( you will never have hot enough water and your landlord will control your thermostat )

2 Car parking ( actually one car, but if you have two, we hope you like “Dings”)

Quiet ( our children are medicated during the afternoon)

Suburban ( there are bushes within viewing distance of the door)

Comfortable ( See Small, claustrophobic and prison)

Curbside Garbage Pickup ( you have to bring your garbage a minimum of 50 feet to the spot designated as a pickup)
Country Views ( Cows, sheep, livestock etc…)

Private ( No one will openly ogle you, but they will hear every conversation you have.)

1 Bedroom.( It’s a two room apartment)

2 Bedroom ( some converted a closet )

3 Bedroom (The closet was subdivided)

Brand New Carpet ( the previous tenant was a serial killer)

Pets Negotiable ( Noisy yappy little dogs need not apply, cats might be okay, but it will still place you at the bottom of the list.)

Responsible Tenants ( Anyone who has an IQ over 90, who understands that people live around them. People who will pick up trash when it falls over.)

Quiet Tenants ( People who will not have loud parties, drunken friends on the lawn at 3AM and will not drive anything larger than a small pickup.)

Professional Couple ( a couple who spends so much time at their job that they are rarely home and who travels heavily on the weekends.)

These are the terms my apartment complex uses:

Cozy: Other than a bed, couch and end table, nothing else will fit. And you have a 12" path left to get from one end of the apt to the other

Easily located community grill: Pack up all your food, drive 1/2 mile down the street, wait in line and just after midnight you get to use the grease infested, trash cover grill. Well, after you shovel 24lbs of ash out of it

Pool overlook: if you can see the pool from your apt, regardless of distance, that'll be an extra $75/mo

Free first month: Yes first month is free, but you still pay the 1 month deposit, and did we say free? We meant free for now

Here, I'll prove samuraijack's point. Apartment lingo decoded (translation in parentheses)



Come and experience the small town charm (we made all the apartments as small as we can) and convenience found only at *********** Apartments at Olde Town (I mean old town is 5 miles away)! We are nestled near I-66 (15 miles) and the Virginia Railway Express (there's no parking there, so you might as well walk the 5 miles), and are just across the street from dining and shopping areas (we have a taco bell and a bloom). The historic district of Manassas is also close (right down the street is the worst part of Virgina. Most people wont even drive by it at night) and is full of quaint antique shops and novelty stores (dollar tree and an old salvation army). A short drive will take you to the Nissan Pavilion (10 miles, and during a concert all road for 20 miles get backed up), the Racetrack (you like the sound of top fuel dragsters and the smell of burning tires while you eat?) and the Prince William Fairgrounds (park down the road, walk home b/c traffic is going to be a nightmare). We proudly offer studios (see cozy), one and two-bedroom apartments (turn master closet into new bedroom) and two bedroom town houses (the stairs eat 50% of the floor space). Every apartment has been outfitted with a washer and dryer for your convenience (tiny stack-ables. You can might fit a towel and a shirt). Some homes feature energy saving appliances (just the model), vaulted ceilings (extra $75/mo), fireplaces ($50/mo) , private views (parking lot overlook) and balconies or patios with extra storage space (4'x4'). Our residents will enjoy our fully equipped fitness center with racquetball court ($25/mo), business center with Internet access (single computer that always has a line and a time limit. No Printer), Olympic sized swimming pool (what? seriously? I've seen above ground pools bigger. Is the water supposed to be green?) and car wash station (single spicket, you supply the hose) . Schedule a personal tour today! (we have one fully upgraded, all additions included, high dollar furnished model to show you, but by no means will this look like the one you will get). Pet urine smell $20/mo extra.

A few more I ran into...

Uncomplicated- ( It has a roof...)

The Simple country life ( Insulation is optional and if the mice get any larger, we can hold a rodeo.)

Modern interior. ( We didnt bother with molding or kickboards. You are a rat living in a large white box.)

Breakfast Nook ( Couldnt fit a full size table in here if you wanted...but the name is cool, right?)

Eat in Kitchen ( We had some spare countertop left over)

Garden Access ( We have a few flowers and you can sit next to them if you want.)

Storage Shed ( We didnt think about closet space, so we decided to buy you a shed to store your stuff in.)

A Delightful Space ( If you dont like standard architecture, then this is the place for you.)

Dog Friendly ( We have a large lawn and never walk barefoot on it.)

Ideal for singles ( You will die alone here.)

Friendly Neighborhood ( Nobody minds their own business here.)

School Access ( We dont want to hear your kids during the day.)

and the list goes on...

Having just bought my first house a few years ago I can confirm those all apply to house buying as well...

Here's one you see in OK a lot -

Converted basement [or attic] not part of official square footage (We converted it without permits and the county is going to make YOU tear it all out to pass inspection)

Oi. Yeah, that's a pitfall that I definitely want to avoid. Seen a few of those among the houses that I've looked at.

There are some improvements that don't need inspections, but the requirements for electrical and plumbing are, quite frankly scary. If you get it done, then that's not so bad, but the crappy work that can be done "By the homeowner" is often something that I'd rip out, even if it was inspected, and passed!

That beeing said, whomever buys my condo is going to have some electrical stuff that doesn't make an awful lot of sense... Like a dedicated 15A circuit to the little area under the stairs for example.

Thats where you kept the torture devices, no?

A classic! Guy calls from NYC, says his girlfriend is unemployed and he is a student. Wants to meet with us next week and is it OK to bring his GERMAN SHEPARD!!

(What part of "No Pets" did you fail to understand? My translation of this ad? "Hi. We are looking for a place to squat rent free for the winter while we go snowboarding every day and our dog eats up our security deposit." No thanks.)

Its really his Dad's dog and knows if you try anything stupid you will be eaten alive. Every heard of the Craigslist Killer??? Okay I have no idea but thats the first thought that came to mind.