Here it comes!
Yes, Halloween! The time time to revel in gorey movies, frightening flicks and general mayhem...
Some movies are paragons of terror and frighten us to our very core!

Others are thinly disguised morality plays which you can predict who will survive and who will die based on their behavior...

So what survial tips would you give to the would be victims in these movies?

I'll start...

1. Keep it in your pants! Randy horny students and people who are overcome by lust are the first to die! If you hear yourself saying " Where can we make out? Oh! A Crypt!"

Chances are you are going to die even sooner because you are out-of-control-horny and disrepsecting the dead...

2. Dont go into the basement, attic, closet, barn, garage, or any other place where there happens to (in this modern era) no working lighting, flashlight etc. for illumination. Why, OH WHY would you climb the latter to an attic that isnt yours, in a place that creeps you out even from the beginning just to figure out what the "BUMP" was.

3. "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!"

4. If you MUST investigate go armed with a weapon you actually know how to use. (not random thing to clutch to make you feel better.)

5. Minority characters should head for the hills from the outset. Otherwise, your clock is ticking.

6. Always practice safe OVERKILL. A villain is never dead enough until the head comes clean off.

Don't bother running since you'll be caught anyways. If you can't help but run, think of a way to fight back ASAP and do what you can to carry out your plan. If you're lucky you won't trip before you attempt your plan so be prepared to fight from the ground up. If someone catches you practicing this, tell them it's seasonal preparation disorder

8. No Matter who you are, Appalachia is a No-No.

9. ALWAYS go home for holiday break.

10. Showers are off-limits until the credits roll.

11. Attractive women should never babysit, ever. Nor should they groom themselves in an empty house.

12. The house at the end of the street is ALWAYS off limits...

13. If you have to park or camp do it on hard ground at hill top and not at the bottom, this will provide better advantages for any occasion.

14. Stop answering the damn phone.

15. If a crazy looking hermit warns you to stay away, then stay away.

16. If you survived, chances are you will survive again. But, before you go back, think about this.
How'd it work out for your friends?

17. If your gas light comes on, FILL THE BLOODY CAR UP!

18. If your really that curious to investigate then keep your SA (Situation Awareness) up. Meaning jam that door you just opened to remain open, keep your back to the wall, trek in lit areas, don't get caught in a corner to easily and don't stand in one place for to long.

19) No matter how hot/gorgeous/loose that alien chick is, she WILL kill you in the end.

20) Avoid all clowns!

21) Dont Blink

22) No matter how nice and harmless looking that poor person stuck outside in the rain looks, do not, and i repeet ,DO NOT, give them a ride or let them into your house.

23. If you find yourself saying "This is only a dream" you can be pretty damned sure it isn't.

24. If you do get shocked out of nightmare, expect a second, real-life shock a few seconds later.

25. Don't walk into a bathroom open the medicine cabinet then close it to find something standing behind you. Slowly close the cabinet while looking at the mirror and while standing sideways.

26. Don't stick your hand, head, foot in any dark and eerie hole, in fact don't even look under the bed.

27. If the fate of your life is in any way effected by a computer...you're screwed...


28. When you hide...DO NOT whimper, squeal, squeak, hyperventilate or other wise make ANY noise. Bite your tounge, cut yourself with glass, but STFU!

My birthday is on Halloween and I live in Appalachia. Now what???????

You're still alive? Well perhaps this is your lucky year!!
Always wanted to be in a horror movie didn't ya?....

<I hope! After all, I'd like to finish my projector prior to my demise.>

29) If you're searching for your friend in an abandoned building, and when you call out their name and all you hear in return is an eerie moaning sound....it's probably NOT them.

30) Roadtrips with your friends = DEATH

31) DO NOT pick up that hitchhiker!!!

When looking for your lost friends DONT shout at the top of your lungs: "Jimmy? Suzie? Where are you? Im all alone and Im scared!"

To most cookie cutter, horror movie, pyschos, this is the equivalent of Room Service...

32) When you are hiding and trying to be quiet, shut off your cell phone! you know it will ring just as whatever chasing you has just lost interest.

33) For goodness sake, don't split up the group to look for your missing buddy.

34) When desribing the horrors outside, don't stand next to the window.

35) When planning on staking the undead, don't start out around sundown.

36) Yeah, Weldonjb is right. Alien chicks will eat ya as soon as she's done with her booty call.

Duracko, likewise I too was born on all hallows eve.

When running away from the undead, make certain you run faster than your friends.
You can't mourn their loss if you don't.

See now Durachko, better stop procrastinating if you wanna get that PJ done!

And you should be writing all these notes in a small notepad that you should consult before you do anything on your birthday

37. If you find yourself running away from a foe... never run into a confined space (ie a house or a room with no other exits). If you run out of space to run... then you're done for.

38. Stock up on the essentials, Garlic, wooden stakes, gold and silver bullets (or stakes/bolts etc), holy water, crucifixes, copy of the holy bible with relevant passages tagged and highlighted, ample supply of salt (for creating a ring around your house/room etc).

39. If for some reason you have no last name... you might as well ask the nearest priest etc to read you the last rights... you're not going to last long.

40. If someone tells you not to watch the tape or not to feed them after midnight or basically just not to do something... don't laugh at them saying something along the lines of "nice try... I'm not falling for that" only to then go and do exactly what you were told not to... it's always better to be made a fool of than to be viscerally torn to pieces or similarly dispatched.

Oh and...

41. Coughing is never an adequate replacement for the ancient word you somehow forgot when reciting the incantation to send the evil back from where it came.

42: Never live/stay in a place that doesn't have a backup generator....because the power will ALWAYS go out.

43. Be a Good Sport.

Never, ever, ever "Lord it" over your newly fallen ( insert bad thig/guy/machine here)...

Cause the minute you turn around to hug your girlfriend/boyfriend, it will stand up and proceed to rip you a new one.

44) Pendulums swing both ways. Don't just dodge, MOVE!

45) Small towns along two-lane highways ... forget it

46) Avoid anything related to indian burial grounds, no matter how loose their slots are or how cheap the housing is.

47) Rod Serling is not trying to help you understand your situation, he is helping others understand how you are about to die.

48. Don't play with marionettes, puppets, or dolls with "sleepy time eyes". They are ALL possessed by Satan. He apparently is like the Wal-mart of people-esque toys.

49. If you are going to peep, you are most likely going to get killed by the stalker because you are in his spot...

50. Stay away from children, as they are seldom good news in a horror film. If there aren't leaders of some corn cult, or creepy clairovoyants, they are undoubtedly back from the dead to lure you with their false innocence.

51. If you hear spooky church music, strident violins, or some other low-budget score floating somewhere above your head, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

52. Avoid churches and graveyards at all costs...

53. No matter how much your old boyfriend loved you, Now that he is a zombie, you are little more than a 5 foot steak...

This made me think, "How 'bout a list for the killers?" since they always seem to die in the end. Equal opportunity and all that.

1a. If you must kill, kill all the loved ones too so nobody comes for revenge.
2a. Live in obscurity, as it seems to be the only way this goes on is if noone knows. (unless you're Freddy, in which case post fliers, put an ad out in the paper and maybe use the intarwebs!)

Note on this one ,, you don't have to run faster ,just trip the person next to you ..

Just let the Jock go first.
Warning him is a waste of your breath.
He won't listen anyways.
He'll also take longer to kill.
Long enough to give you a head start.
Besides someone has to comfort his cheerleader GF after the movie.

54. Yes...the hook is ON YOUR CAR....

Just Friggin Drive!

Problem with that is the car never starts until the last second...

Which leads me to....

55. Keep your car tuned and repaired. If you are about to go into known spooky territory, make sure it starts and works. Whats a couple hundred in repairs when compared to your life?

56) That numbered tattoo is not cute, it is not a holocaust tribute ... your lover is the devil's spawn and will take your soul to hell. Go to the kitchen for a glass of water, grab your clothes and your nuts and get OUT of there.

57) Scraping outside is never a tree in the wind.

58) If you see a ritual/sacrifice/dancing by firelight/chanting, say nothing to anyone, just back away quietly and act like it never happened. EVERYONE is in on it.

59) Yes, that lightning is coming after *you*.

60) All wax museums, antique bookshops, freakshows and gothic bars are the last place you see.

61) Carnival rides are safe on halloween. It's just old man Smithers in a costume. Ask Shaggy.

62. NOBODY but a bad person would choose to drive a black van with no windows....

They have to.
Its in their contract.

63. If you got that "super secret, illegally downloaded, OMG WTF? Film/game " off the Internet "a little too easily"...

You are GOING TO DIE!

Wow, I must've died a looooong time ago! Yay for being a zombie!